Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Goodbye Clementine

That is what the subject line read in an e-mail from the ex. For those of you that didn't see the movie it's a reference to the lead female character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I always that movie was weirdly based on our relationship. The arguments over kids, the intense love/hate passion between the two characters, the chance meeting and the need to erase it all once it was done. I can't type this post without crying. I don't mean tear drops but a strong wailing cry. I have never had someone leave my life and have it hurt this much. I didn't speak to my godfather for a year over a heated argument ( and I was prepared to stay mad forever) and it didn't hurt like this.

I finally had some e-mail closure over what was with the ex. I told him about my new boyfriend the DJ- I dumped the DJ for the ex a year and a half ago only to be dumped three months later by the ex. I also told him how the DJ made me promise I would never see the ex again. I am happy I have that final visual in my head of saying goodbye to my ex after my last reading. It really will be the last time I see him since I know the DJ doesn't want me to be friends or have any face to face contact with the ex.

How is it in life that you connect with people in such a way only to have them fade into a memory later? I guess I figured certain people would always be around and the ex had become one of those people, regardless of our relationship status, he had seen me through so much and vice versa. He is still one of the few people I want to call when I am down (like now) except I can't. I think that is the foundation of my fear of getting close to people - the fact that eventually they may leave. I figure, why bother trying to connect with people and so I live my life bouncing from one superficial relationship to another. Hopefully this time and this relationship will be different.

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