Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Goodbye Clementine

That is what the subject line read in an e-mail from the ex. For those of you that didn't see the movie it's a reference to the lead female character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I always that movie was weirdly based on our relationship. The arguments over kids, the intense love/hate passion between the two characters, the chance meeting and the need to erase it all once it was done. I can't type this post without crying. I don't mean tear drops but a strong wailing cry. I have never had someone leave my life and have it hurt this much. I didn't speak to my godfather for a year over a heated argument ( and I was prepared to stay mad forever) and it didn't hurt like this.

I finally had some e-mail closure over what was with the ex. I told him about my new boyfriend the DJ- I dumped the DJ for the ex a year and a half ago only to be dumped three months later by the ex. I also told him how the DJ made me promise I would never see the ex again. I am happy I have that final visual in my head of saying goodbye to my ex after my last reading. It really will be the last time I see him since I know the DJ doesn't want me to be friends or have any face to face contact with the ex.

How is it in life that you connect with people in such a way only to have them fade into a memory later? I guess I figured certain people would always be around and the ex had become one of those people, regardless of our relationship status, he had seen me through so much and vice versa. He is still one of the few people I want to call when I am down (like now) except I can't. I think that is the foundation of my fear of getting close to people - the fact that eventually they may leave. I figure, why bother trying to connect with people and so I live my life bouncing from one superficial relationship to another. Hopefully this time and this relationship will be different.

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Saturday, January 08, 2005

New Year, Better Blogger

Happy Belated New Year's. I had a good time chilling at a couple of parties. Nothing much has been happening with me. I have been helping the DJ run his companies. I decided to take the money and run from my old job. I don't feel like taking the time and energy to pursue litigation against them and I don't even have the energy to negotiate with them. I think this is the best option for my ease.

So of course in the span of a month the DJ and I almost broke up twice. I don't know why I do this to guys - I just start to pull away the minute things get too serious. We have worked things out for now and I going to have to learn to trust him and trust that our relationship is strong enough to overcome minor obstacles. Now that he is off at the AVN (Adult Video Awards) I have had some time to think. No, my boyfriend is not planning on being in any movies - he also runs a DVD business and is putting together a new DVD featuring porn stars.

In other news, I have a job offer on the table, pending passing a drug test. I am a bit nervous about the drug test as I occasionally puff a little cheeba. Hopefully all the tips I have been getting will work and my system will come back clean. It sucks that I have to refrain because the DJ brought me some great sticky to keep me busy while he was gone.

Hope all is well. Sorry I have been gone for so long. I have learned to post via e-mail so the next post won't take so long.

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