Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Goodbye Clementine

That is what the subject line read in an e-mail from the ex. For those of you that didn't see the movie it's a reference to the lead female character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I always that movie was weirdly based on our relationship. The arguments over kids, the intense love/hate passion between the two characters, the chance meeting and the need to erase it all once it was done. I can't type this post without crying. I don't mean tear drops but a strong wailing cry. I have never had someone leave my life and have it hurt this much. I didn't speak to my godfather for a year over a heated argument ( and I was prepared to stay mad forever) and it didn't hurt like this.

I finally had some e-mail closure over what was with the ex. I told him about my new boyfriend the DJ- I dumped the DJ for the ex a year and a half ago only to be dumped three months later by the ex. I also told him how the DJ made me promise I would never see the ex again. I am happy I have that final visual in my head of saying goodbye to my ex after my last reading. It really will be the last time I see him since I know the DJ doesn't want me to be friends or have any face to face contact with the ex.

How is it in life that you connect with people in such a way only to have them fade into a memory later? I guess I figured certain people would always be around and the ex had become one of those people, regardless of our relationship status, he had seen me through so much and vice versa. He is still one of the few people I want to call when I am down (like now) except I can't. I think that is the foundation of my fear of getting close to people - the fact that eventually they may leave. I figure, why bother trying to connect with people and so I live my life bouncing from one superficial relationship to another. Hopefully this time and this relationship will be different.

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Saturday, January 08, 2005

New Year, Better Blogger

Happy Belated New Year's. I had a good time chilling at a couple of parties. Nothing much has been happening with me. I have been helping the DJ run his companies. I decided to take the money and run from my old job. I don't feel like taking the time and energy to pursue litigation against them and I don't even have the energy to negotiate with them. I think this is the best option for my ease.

So of course in the span of a month the DJ and I almost broke up twice. I don't know why I do this to guys - I just start to pull away the minute things get too serious. We have worked things out for now and I going to have to learn to trust him and trust that our relationship is strong enough to overcome minor obstacles. Now that he is off at the AVN (Adult Video Awards) I have had some time to think. No, my boyfriend is not planning on being in any movies - he also runs a DVD business and is putting together a new DVD featuring porn stars.

In other news, I have a job offer on the table, pending passing a drug test. I am a bit nervous about the drug test as I occasionally puff a little cheeba. Hopefully all the tips I have been getting will work and my system will come back clean. It sucks that I have to refrain because the DJ brought me some great sticky to keep me busy while he was gone.

Hope all is well. Sorry I have been gone for so long. I have learned to post via e-mail so the next post won't take so long.

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Monday, December 27, 2004

New Year's Part Deux

The boyfriend is coming home for New Year's!!! And no, it's not because of me. They cancelled doing a show on New Year's eve for lack of promotion so he will be here tomorrow. Luckily, I spent all day yesterday cleaning his apartment so it could be ready for when he gets back. DJ's are not exactly neat. Imagine matching thousands of CDs with their rightful cases and you have a small idea of what I went through yesterday. I am just glad its over.

So now, what to do on New Year's Eve. I will give you an idea of where I will end up, if any of you New Yorker's know of the Last Poet's New Year's bash, there is a good chance you will see me there. If you have no idea what I am talking about - good! I don't have to worry about running into folks I don't know.

Happy Monday. It was for me since I just woke up and I am still getting paid for working today!!!

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Saturday, December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and all that good shit

So my boyfriend is off in Bahrain entertaining the troops and I am stuck here in NJ watching his house, his BMW (which I wish I could drive), and his dog. This is when I wonder if I would make a good wife. I am so selfish that all I could think about today was that if we had not made it official, we could still be dating and I could be enjoying Christmas with some other guy today. That's the way I miss people - I temporarily replace them. He tells me he may stay through the New Year to do another show. I told him I was happy for him - why ask him to turn down nice money to spend the New Year with me. But secretly I was wondering who I should call to spend the New Year with. I'll be damned if I am going to spend it alone sitting in his apartment. Since all my girlfriends have boyfriends, its not like I can ask to be third wheel to their plans.

So on Christmas as I enjoy the new Sidekick my boyfriend got me, all I can think about is did I do this exclusive shit too soon. I don't know if I am ready for this level of commitment.

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Post for Baby Girl

Three names you go by:
1. Buttercup
2. JB (juicy booty)
3. toughie woofie (by my boyfriend when he thinks I am trying to be tough)

Three screennames you have:
1. Buttercupsnoopy
2. The others are all my gov't - sorry!

Three things you like about yourself:
1. My eyes
2. My lips
3. My sarcastic sense of humor

Three things you hate/dislike about yourself:
1. My butt - I have an ass like Ki-Toy (according to the boyfriend) I would prefer one like Naomi's instead.
2. My propensity for anger
3. My flakiness

Three parts of your heritage:
1. African-American
2. Cuban
3. Panamanian

Three things that scare you:
1. Being broke
2. Being unhappy
3. Not finding my soul mate

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. iPod
2. Sidekick II
3. Vaseline Intensive Care (cherry flavor)

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Ivory off the shoulder cashmere sweater
2. Green J. Crew cords
3. Lace tanga underpants

Three of your favorite bands/artists (at the moment):
1. Alicia Keys
2. Jay-Z
3. Nina Simone

Three of your favorite songs at present:
1. Only You - Ashanti
2. Number One Spot - Ludacris
3. Karma - Alicia Keys

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Start a business
2. A job not in the legal field
3. Learn to drive

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Compassion
2. Nurturing
3. Humor

Two truths and a lie:
1. I danced with Jay-Z at Club Rebar in 1998
2. I stabbed an ex-boyfriend
3. I think some stereotypes are true.

Three physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to you:
1. Breasts - I am 97% straight, but I love women's breasts. Maybe because mine are not as big as I would like.
2. Legs - Large and cut like a runner's
3. Penis - Long and fat (the only way they should be made)

Three things you just can't do:
1. Sing
2. Be fake
3. Pass a dog without a hello

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Shopping
2. Traveling
3. Reading

Three things you want to do really badly right now:
1. Go see the boyfriend before he leaves for Bahrain
2. Wrap my presents
3. See my mother and wish her happy birthday

Three careers you're considering:
1. Entrepreneur
2. Managing my boyfriend
3. Hustling (not drugs)

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Bora Bora
2. Mykanos
3. Australia

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Get married (January here I come!)
2. Jump from a plane
3. Pilot a helicopter

Three people who have to take this quiz now or die painfully:
1. Lex
2. Reef
3. NY Prepster

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Weird Wednesday

Today has been a weird day.
  • It's my mother's birthday. We don't speak much but I feel bad I won't see her today because I have been staying with the DJ all week.
  • I was told my last day at work can be today and I will get paid through the end of the month. I was also offered an additional month of pay should I sign a waiver of claims against the firm....sounds like an admission of guilt if I do say so myself
  • I had a dream that the DJ had two sons, fraternal twins born on the same day. I was there supporting him, but I wasn't the one giving birth to the children.
  • The DJ had a dream that he and I went snowboarding together. He said I was okay, but didn't hold a candle to his snowboarding skills.

What am I to make of all of this? I am not sure. I just know that I feel like I am starting a new path with everything. I have been taking risks with the DJ allowing myself to be loved and learning to love him in return which I have not done since the ex. I am leaving yet another job, no real prospects in sight for work and I am not remotely worried about it. In the new year, I will deal with the ramifications of this. For now, I can't wait to see the DJ tonight and spend a few hours with him before he leaves for Bahrain for a show.


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Friday, December 17, 2004

Vacation Week

I have been on vacation most of the week. I didn't get further than NY (where DJ lives) but I still had a fun week none the less. My favorite thing about having a boyfriend - domestic activities. How much fun is grocery shopping and home shopping. Since DJ has been living in his almost barren condo for almost a year, we decided to get some things to spruce up the place. Purchases included a fab Calphalon non-stick pan set which I have already cooked for us and the dog in. I also finished up all my Christmas shopping - on the internet of course. Its great to have a guy who lives in NJ. Now I just pay for shipping to his place instead of tax!

I gave my notice today at work. It was such a relief. My bosses boss had the nerve to leave me a voice-mail which stated "I received your e-mail and we accept your resignation." Accept it???!!!??? Since when do they have a choice? Now the only thing I am worried about (besides cutting back on shopping) is the fact that they might not let me work out my two weeks notice. For some reason, they want me to hand over all my projects today by close of business. I am kind of sorry I didn't wait until the end of the day to send out my notice.

So honesty is not always the best policy. I told DJ about sleeping with my ex the day before he left for L.A. We were not official boyfriend/girlfriend at that time and ex sex is not something you can control all the time. He was pissed because he realized that this is the same ex that I dumped him for almost 2 years ago. Now its gotten to the point where he has the ex's address and wants to pay him a visit if he interferes with our relationship again. Who knew the DJ was gully!!??!! Secretly it was sweet that he would go to these lengths to make sure the ex didn't fuck up our thing again.

Tonight the DJ and I are going to see Paul Mooney. If you hear a news report about a white, Jewish hip hop DJ assaulting a well known comedian, that's us. I am hoping I can restrain him. Let's hope Paul Mooney goes easy on our interracial thing.

Have a good weekend!

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Sunday, December 12, 2004

Bad Blogger

I know I have been a bad blogger lately. A failed hard drive will usually do it. I also have been trying to look busy at work by actually being busy (I am not a good liar).

The reading on Monday was a blast. I went first again and despite my almost non-existent voice, I did well. I wrote a piece about my relationship with Jay - my best male friend who I kind of date but don't have sex with. Jay and my ex were in the audience. Not only did the ex finally realize that I really didn't have anything going with Jay but he also for the first time heard details of some of our antics as well as heard first hand. that I did fuck another good friend of my while on vacation in Cuba. Oops. I kind of subconsciously wanted it to go down like that. At the end of the night, he didn't really want to hang out. He told he purchased a new car - an old school Range Rover (my favorite). I commented "Wow, you brought my car. Now I have one more reason to hate you. I was half joking and half serious. He parted ways with Jay and I and I have not heard from him since. I sent him an e-mail thanking him for coming out and he did not respond. I really think I hurt him with the way things went on Monday. The best part was that it felt good. He put me through highs and lows no human should have to experience with the same person. I was happy to send him to a similar low so he could have a taste of what he did to me.

Jay is one of the few people who really saw what I went through with the ex. The tears, the pain, the turmoil. I was glad he could be there to see the finale between us. We are officially over. No friendship, no cuddling, no e-mails, no talks, nothing. It took me over two years but I was finally able to get over him. Moving on with the guy who I dumped for him in the past helped somewhat. The DJ has proven to me that I can and will do better and he has no idea how happy that makes me feel.

So, I guess I should also tell everyone I officially have a boyfriend. This is a guy I see a future with. The whole nine yards - ring, kids, white picket fence, etc. I hate to say it, it really pains me to say it because I was enjoying my reality of men not living up to my standard - but he makes me happy. So, I am happy now. I'm still going to be Buttercup, but probably less bitchy.

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Monday, December 06, 2004

Updates for French Kitty

I can't type too much because I am feeling like shit and I have loads of work to do today, but I wanted to dish on my weekend.

First to answer one question, yes Prada Manager has one son and although he looks young, he is 30 so he just meets the age requirement.

Friday night DJ picked me up from work. I tried to cancel informing him that I was feeling rather sick, but he insisted on taking me back to his place, going grocery shopping and cooking lobster, stuffing and salad for dinner. Buttercup never turns down a man cooked meal. The food was delicious - I love lobster! Afterwards, DJ admitted to messing up the first two batches of stuffing. Unfortunately, despite the energy from a good meal, my health deteriorated over the weekend and I had hot flashes and night sweats as well as the chills, a fever, sore throat and nausea for the remainder of the weekend. On Sunday, I decided to go see a doctor and got some antibiotics which have been working wonders since.

7 more days of work at this shit firm for me. The whole two weeks notice time period doesn't count. Who does real work once they have decided they are leaving?

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Friday, December 03, 2004

Last night I had dinner at Coffee Shop with some of the writer's who will be performing this Monday at Inner monologues 2. If you are in NY and interested in coming, feel free to send me an e-mail at bitchinbuttercup@yahoo.com and I will send you the details. On my way walking into the restaurant, I spotted a guy at the bar who I had dealt with over 5 years ago and proceeded to turn my head so that he would not see me. That's one of the problems of still living in the city I was born in, I am always bobbing and weaving to avoid some guy I dated. Like the classic line from SATC, I just want all the men I have already tested to be deported. Towards the end of the practice dinner, Prada Manager came to pick me up and we headed further downtown to have some drinks and chat. As much as I like so much about him and he reminded me of the fun we used to have when we first dated three years ago, now that I am older and therefore pickier, I just don't know if I can think about a guy with kids seriously. Couple that with the fact that he is under 30, his prospects are not looking good.

DJ has given me a cold. Never kiss a boy who is sick. All he will do is give you germs. To make up for my illness, DJ is cooking dinner for me tonight. He claims he can cook lobster, stuffing and salad, so that's what we are having. I'll let you know how it is. Prada Manager still owes me a home cooked meal as well. If I am still sick all weekend, I will definitely let him make up for it on Sunday. Saturday night is my co-worker's (Jessica Simpson twin) party at her apartment for her husband's 30 birthday. I invited lawyer to go with me since I think he will fit in with that group the best. It's hard to meet a guy who can fit in with your co-workers, your friends, your family and can change and adapt to any atmosphere (corporate, social, ghetto).

IT Manager left my laptop at his office and decided to take the day off. Therefore, I won't be getting my machine fixed until Monday. So I probably won't be blogging over the weekend. Enjoy!

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Thursday, December 02, 2004

I'm getting married!

Relax, not to a guy I'm dating. My best buddy and travel partner in crime Jay and I are going to get married in Vegas for three days for his 30th birthday in January. I know it sounds crazy and tacky and Britney like, but he convinced me that it would be the perfect way to top all the other fun, crazy things we have done together over our 15 years of friendship. How funny would it be to introduce my best guy friend as my ex-husband who I have never slept with!

In other news, my boss told me he was no longer going to give me this new position and attempted to give examples of untrue situations as to why. One situation in particular was in reference to one person overhearing a conversation I was having with a vendor and reporting to HR that I my tone was bad to the vendor. Of course when I offered to call said vendor on her personal mobile phone and get them to ask her about working with me - they refused. After the meeting, I called the vendor and told her the story and she laughed and offered to send a letter on my behalf. I'll show them whose lying.

So DJ got to meet another friend yesterday when he picked me up after work with flowers since I told him what a crappy day I had at work. Med School Shar modeled her residency interview suits for us while we all laughed at Curb on demand HBO. It's rare that friends get to meet guys I date because I change dates like shoes. So far my friends seem to like him - not that I am easily influenced by my friends. Now I have to introduce him to some male friends to see how well he gets along with them.

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Hard Drive Failure

My laptop started making funny noises when I got back from San Fran. It sounded very ill so of course I took it to IT Manager. Well it seems I am having hard drive failure and I don't back-up! IT Manager is currently working on replacing my hard drive and somehow saving my precious files. Everyone take a moment of silence for my ill laptop.........okay. I may not be posting as much as a result, since I like to post from home because I want to savor my last ten days at work with my co-workers and I have spent the last few weeks hanging out in their offices, reading magazines and refusing all work that has been given to me. Why start new projects when I am quitting soon? They can't fire me for saying no? Law firms are hard to get fired from - the one good benefit.

So last Tuesday, Prada Manager invited me over to his house for my cooked dinner and a sleep over. I didn't accept because I had my flight the next day and it was going to rain. Well tomorrow, after my writing group, we have a rain check to make up for the missed date. He even mentioned that he picked something up for me for the holidays. I am very curious to see what that is. Tonight I have plans with the DJ after he films a T.V. segment. I am not sure what we are doing, but I hope it involves discussing this new business idea he has. That is the main reason I really like the DJ. I have never met a man who is full of creative energy with an entrepreneurial streak. I am not sure if I mentioned that DJ has three businesses and is working on a fourth. Jews know how to get paid! Everyone else can learn a thing or two. DJ is one man who could motivate me to do what makes me happy in life - and get rich doing it. I watched him start out with nothing over a year ago to get where he is now in his career and I respect him for that.

Now, let's move on to new boys. I have been exchanging e-mails with this crazy, tattooed white boy who works as a toy designer. How cool! We both live in Brooklyn and both love dogs. I am already in love. He also seems a bit crazy based on his photos, his e-mails and his profile, which for me is a definite plus. I am not sure why I like guys who could use psychotropic meds, but something about it is sexy.

I have another meeting with my boss in one hour to discuss this new position he has been wanting me to take. Instead of being a smart ass and responding to him with "Why are we meeting? I want more money and you don't want to give it to me. Case closed!", I have decided to be mature and screw him further by telling him I want the job, taking it, having him reject other candidates and then quitting on Dec. 17th. That is a Buttercup move.

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Monday, November 22, 2004

Hip Hop Video comments

Is that "Bird" from the Soul Food movies, also known as Malinda Williams, Mekhi Phifer's ex, in the new Young Buck video looking like the ultimate chicken head trying to be the characters from Natural Born Killers? Why can't actresses stick to acting?

Has anyone listened to the lyrics for Destiny's Child Soldier? Who knew those prissy bitches knew anything about a man who carries weight and flips dough? Are they trying to be street like Mariah with the ghetto dudes in the black and white video?

Who told Alicia Keys and Llyod Banks to name their new singles "Karma"? I keep wanting to see the Alicia Keys version, not the Llyod Banks one.

Who else wants to put Chingy in a large game machine and ping him into oblivion?

Does Ashanti think that if she flashes the ass cheeks like Beyonce did in her first single, she will move as many units? The song, "Only You", is hot all by itself - no need for the ass shots.


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Monday night - No football

So I have a ticket flying into SFO on Wednesday night. It's official - I'm meeting the DJ's parents. This shit doesn't even sound right as I type it. I will be back on Sunday and will blog all about my weekend. I hope I have fun. I hope I get to go shopping. The DJ was even nice enough to also extend a Turkey Day invite to my friend Jen who is out there all alone stressing over her lab results. Don't ask what the fuck she is studying. It's far more advanced than my feeble brain - some engineering shit.

I AM SO HAPPY THEY KICKED RACHEL OFF REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGE - Take that you wanna be gay bitch. I hate a bitch that says she is gay and wears lesbians rule t-shirts but has flings with guys. Bitch, go suck a clit.

Is it rude to listen to iPod the entire flight when you are traveling with someone. I mean Jay and I have an understanding when we fly and the other guys I have flown with have been short flights. DJ is so fucking sensitive he might not like it. What do we talk about for 6 hours???

Interview tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I think HR is on to me. If a self-assessment for your review is optional, why did I get three personal e-mail reminders and a personal extention on the deadline? Fucking HR. Can't they just cut my bonus check early so I can quit already?

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As Turkey Day approaches

The DJ has asked me to come to San Francisco and spend Thanksgiving with his folks. Of course my first question was, what do they cook for Thanksgiving. I have never been to a white person's house for Turkey Day. I need to know if they know how to make baked mac and cheese and stuffing. He couldn't answer that question - not a good look. Then I asked him the tough question - isn't this too soon for two people are not boyfriend/girlfriend? His retort was that he had met my family. This is true but the only reason he met them is because his clinginess caused him to barge his way into my house and my life. We have been hanging out for about a week??!!!?? Meet the parents? I don't know. The only thing I do know is that Jennifer lives in SF and it would be nice to go visit her. I'll let you know what I decide.

In other world news, my writing group met on Saturday afternoon to go over the pieces we intend to read next month. One guy looked at me like I was crazy when trying to explain my relationship with my best male friend, Jay. Is it that weird that we have had sex in the same bed, but not together? Any women out there have unusual relationships with a best guy friend or any guys out there have a girl as a friend who can do ANYTHING with but you have never crossed that line? I'm curious.

Okay, I have to start looking busy at work. First business of the day, completing evaluations for some co-workers.

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Friday, November 19, 2004

Me, Matt and Al

Well the best thing that happened to me on Tuesday was my celebrity sighting. I was bitching about NY film crews on the way up 5th Avenue to check out the crap that they are referring to as the Karl Lagerfeld line at H&M and on the way back the crowd was even larger. As my friend and I made our way back to work, we were greeted with even larger crowds. As I pushed through crossing the street cursing every movie studio, I realized I was two feet away from two dream men - Matthew McConaughey and Al Pacino. Of course, unable to contain myself I screamed "Oh shit, Al Pacino!" The director promptly yelled cut and the actors were forced to do the scene over as a result of my big mouth. Oh well.

I called out "sick" to work on Wednesday to enjoy the nice weather and interview. I am starting to feel like something I really want might come through for me and I am looking forward to my last day at my current firm (a few thousand bonus dollars richer no less).

The DJ has been calling from L.A. He has been spending too much time with some porn star called Mr. Marcus. Now he has decided to focus more on starting a porn business and less on his DJ business. Whatever works. Not sure how I would feel about dating someone in that industry even if they were not the "star".

Macy's is the worst store in the universe. I tried to help my friend shop there and the customer service and the appearance of the store is atrocious. I see why I stick to uptown stores like Bergdorf and Saks.

Happy Friday. I know I'm having one. I must finish my first draft in time for our first writer's draft session this Saturday. I really think this event (December 6th) is going to be better than last month. If you want information, simply shoot me an e-mail at bitchinbuttercup@yahoo.com. Does anyone think that Condi has ever given Bush a blowjob? Just something I can't stop thinking about. The picture is s vivid in my head. If I turn up dead - you know why.

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Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Hump Day Wednesday Preview

I guess I should backtrack to the weekend. Friday's weather was gross so I stayed in bed - with who is none of your business. Let's move on to Saturday. I started out at my friend's book reading which was lovely for him and I since he sold tons of books. The the DJ and I made plans to hang out since he was leaving the next day for L.A. As a side note I have realized its not a good idea for me, control freak, to go to a city where you need to drive with no car, no license with a clingy guy who expects me to be around him every waking moment. There are very few men who can tolerate me for longer than 2 days.

The DJ and I went to our old favorite hole in the wall Jamaican restaurant in Flatbush and he again tried to backtrack and reconstruct where our relationship went wrong. I still don't have the heart to tell him I left him for the ex. Not that the DJ wasn't driving me up a wall with his neediness. Since the night was still young and I was pissed at him for being late AGAIN, we also went to a movie (my pick) and I promise any of you who go and see Ray will love it. I hate Jamie Foxx. I don't understand how someone so ugly created such a career for himself, but the movie is wonderful and his wife in the movie, Kerry Washington, is gorgeous and talented. By the time the movie was over and we had mourned ODB's death, the DJ took me home. No less than 10 minutes later, the ex calls to talk to me about ODB's passing (at this point, it's 2:30 a.m.). He convinced me to come over in a cab and watch his recent Netflix order. FYI - Ben Affleck really is a horrible actor. Proof? Paychecks with Uma Thurman. The morning was just like every other morning waking up next to the ex - us cuddling and him telling me how much he misses me. I am sick of him playing with what's left of my heart and brain. I just reminded him that he dumped me over a year ago and to stop lying about missing me. Why does he always come around when the DJ is coming on so strong with all his "boyfriend" moves? The minute someone else wants you, they all come around the bend.

Sunday was football day with another guy I am seeing. No nickname and no further discussion because I kind of like him and nothing is really worth speaking about. He is cute, normal and we have a great time together. I'll fill you in if it goes anywhere.

Monday I went out with Prada manager (now referred to as Prada). I am not sure why he showed up with his 25 year old brother or why he thought it was a good idea to take me to ESPN Zone. Despite these huge no-no's, I think I might actually go out with him again. I think he was testing me so I won't give the satisfaction of my failing. I am also trying to butter him up for that Prada discount and the dinner he promised to cook for me. So I'll give him a chance to come through with that before kicking him to the curb. Being fine and always in a suit when I see him helps.

Tomorrow and Thursday I have further interviews. I have 20 more days at my current job. I can't wait. The only other person in my department that reports to my boss also intends to quit on bonus day. I can't wait to see his face. I told her we should walk in and quit together. People at work need to learn to stop fucking with me. I have nothing to lose - not even a job.

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